The Illusion of Intimacy

 

By Sam Watermeier 

The Internet claims to connect people. In that regard, it succeeds, but only in a superficial sense. The sense of intimacy that comes with the connection is an illusion, a simulation. That artificial nature becomes painfully clear when you turn to cyberspace for someone to be more than a friend.

“People want to go back to the day where you're sitting at a coffee shop, make eye contact and there is this mysterious moment where you don't know each other,” said dating coach and author Adam LaDolce in a recent CNN article.

Social media has made this sometimes anxiety-inducing way of meeting someone all too easy to avoid. It hypnotizes us all with an illusion of intimacy and communication, leading even typically extroverted people to hide behind their computer screens, thinking that an online conversation is the same as a face to face one. At the end of the day, Facebook and sites like it are, as body language expert Blake Eastman said, “groups of people that are highly connected online but socially isolated.”

“We feel that we don’t need to look people in the eyes to communicate anymore — a keystroke has replaced that look,” Eastman said. “But at the end of the day, we’re designed for human contact, not a computer screen.”

Face-to-face communication isn’t as easy as online contact, and that’s why it should feel more rewarding. Doesn’t the completion of a challenge feel more satisfying than that of a simple task? As writers Elliot Aronson and Carol Tavris explain in Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me), “When people go through a great deal of pain, discomfort, effort, or embarrassment to get something, they will be happier with that ‘something’ than if it came to them easily.” That doesn’t seem to be the case now. These days, God forbid we experience some emotion when we talk to people. God forbid our palms get sweaty. God forbid our voices shake. We hide online to avoid those situations.

While online communication can certainly serve as a confidence booster or a catalyst for face-to-face contact, it should not function as a substitute. It's not a bad place to initiate a relationship, but dependence on it leads down a lonely road, especially when you realize that online chatting is essentially the equivalent of a long distance relationship. 

My advice? Don’t stay online to find a special someone. Sure, Match.com and sites like it have produced a few success stories. But look what happened to Manti Teo or the star of “Catfish.” Plus, online communication is not the real deal. It’s a simulation of it, nothing more. Use it sparingly. Look someone in the eye and strike up a conversation. Get off the Internet right…now.